Retro-Exodus

Someone on the list wanted to know my thoughts on sexuality, on waiting until marriage, monogamy, etc. Consider this a thought on request.

I've been thinking a lot about what one pastor dubs warm love and cool love. He's noting the trend for couples to lose interest in each other. The warm love of the beginning stage gives way to a cooler love, a calmer love. This is, most often times, not a good thing. It is certainly not smiled upon by the couples themselves.

Why does this happen? I think I have a few reasons.

1) Marriage is not necessarily the natural order. It is within our nature to be monogamous but humans are one of the few species that couples in a wide array of ways. Take dating for instance - most animals don't date. They find a partner, mate, and either stay with that partner for life or go on to others. But, we are also an animal that couples for more than the propagation of the species. We find love. We need companionship. We want to stay up until 4am having deep conversations about nothing. We need a Scrabble partner. We want someone to cook eggs for in the morning. Someone to decide which restaurant to go to. Someone to drag us to a movie we don't want to see. Someone to hold our hand.

But we also like variety, and marriage does not afford that to us. Here's the surprise of the century: Marriage takes work. And that shouldn't be a surprise to most going into a religiously sanctioned unity. Like most everything in religion, marriage is a struggle against nature. The Bible requests that you slough off the recklessness of human nature for the divine spirit. You must die and be reborn in a new light. Marriage is no different. It is a challenge against your natural drive. There is nothing wrong with coupling, but the pastor makes a great point by showing that a different kind of love seems to cancel the old love. And something is lost. The question is, does this have to happen?

2) Specifically dealing with Christian culture, there is a certain naivety that comes into play when dealing with sex. In some ways, I envy it. Why? Because I didn't wait until marriage, and there are certainly some benefits to be had by waiting. But I also note the pitfalls of waiting. I was hanging out with some friends at Baylor one day, and a guy I know was excitedly flashing his Human Sexuality textbook in our faces and shouting like crazy about one of the illustrations. He was giddy. It was hilarious to him. A mix between a joke and a treasure at the bottom of a pyramid. He clamored the way a thirteen year old does when he stumbles upon his father's Playboy. I turned to a friend and (in a comment I now regret making (shocking, I know)) I said, "This is what happens when you wait til marriage to have sex."

My friend, 21 at the time, acted effectively like a child when it came to a simple illustration. He had no candor, no maturity about a subject that demands it. This Human Sexuality course he took in college was the first real introduction to anything of consequence that he'd seen in the topic. Nearly a decade after developing as a man, he was finally seeing what everything was used for. It was mildly embarrassing for him.

If I can make a tangential diatribe - I blame some of this, and a lot of youthful sexual ills on abstinence-only sex-ed. I think this sort of teaching exists because they believe that education is the same as condoning. They believe that students will be introduced to sex in a classroom when, in fact, sex is introduced at a young age to students by nature itself. Also, I know of no situation in life where more knowledge is a bad thing, where ignorance is key to solving a problem. Abstinence-only education seems to cover its eyes to teenage sex and shout, "La la la" so loudly that it can't hear the truth. Battling AIDS and teen pregnancy is not done by pretending that people don't experiment with sex until after marriage.

All this to say, the pastor who coined the phrases is right. The image of Christianity is one of sacrifice, solemnity, not red-hot passionate love making. It's silly to even think about the dichotomy a person has to be to share an incredible devoutness to purity during their youth and then express an insatiable sexual appetite once marriage strikes. Why? Because a sexual awakening happens at an early age, and if not cultivated until later, it can lead to certain misunderstandings. Part of that ease of expression comes from experimentation when you're young. Without that, it seems difficult to go crazy once you've said your vows. It was even mentioned by Alfred Kinsey - noted scholar on the subject of sex - that one of the reasons he decided to do his groundbreaking study of the subject in the fifties was because he counseled a ton of newlyweds who didn't even understand the basic mechanics of the situation. Nowadays, I feel like we are better educated.

For a cultural context for the Bible and its Old Testament view on saving yourself until marriage - girls were getting married at 12 and 13 to 16 and 18 year old boys. Think you could wait until then? What's more, that was practically middle-aged by the age-expectancy of the time.

I suppose I haven't said much by way of opinion on any matters, suffice it to say that I think monogamy and waiting until marriage are good things that come with prices. But they are certainly not overwhelming prices. They just take work. Whenever you choose a particular lifestyle, you gain riches and lose opportunities. And I've said before that since we've got food and shelter down (for most in society), that finding a mate is the last great struggle for us as humans. If you find someone that loves you, count yourself lucky, do the hard work it takes to keep that person, and cook eggs for them every morning with a smile on your face.

There's a sunny-side up joke there somewhere, but I'm not one to make it.