Onus

Despite my best intentions, I've become a planner.

I wasn't always this way. Growing up, the day could just as easily been spent on the beach or in the library. Waking up, I never really knew what was in store for me, and I tended to just go with the flow. This was the sort of mentality that you had to have growing up in a beach town. Especially one where the surf report could make or break your afternoon.

Meanwhile, I was steadily being pumped full of potential. I've always thought that if you start out with more than a speck of talent, the people around you will fill you up with the idea of brilliance so fast that you have choice but to become capable. Destined for big things. People start with a small amount of potential, and the rest is artificially implanted.

Along the way, I got an ego. A big one. A particularly dangerous one because it was based on my ability to figure people out quickly. I could read them, know their goals, fears and methods in a short amount of time. I say particularly dangerous because it allowed me the means to manipulate people.

I've looked for a lighter phrase than that. I can't find one.

It seems that just by knowing how to get certain reactions out of people, you instantly become sinister. Even the most well-meaning thing is diluted by the fact that you don't have to wonder whether the person can be persuaded. You know exactly what to say and do to make them jump to your side. Having that knowledge means that you lack a certain innocence about the whole process.

It occurred to me that there's something I haven't heard talked about ever in regards to ethics: living without an agenda.

My adolescent surfer brain loves the idea - no plans, no rules, etc. There's certainly freedom in it. But the harder part of it would be to enter into every relationship with zero expectations. This is something I struggle with, especially with girls, but it's something that I've recently come to admire so strongly that I almost have no other choice but to adhere to it. I'm being naturally drawn to it. I'm reverting back to my teenage self where meeting someone new meant I could either have a new friend or not, and the outcome didn't make me break a sweat. I wasn't caught up in impressing or looking into the future of this person. I was a blank slate ready to be written on, and if the person chose not to pick up the pen, I was no worse off for it.

During college, I was devastated if people didn't pick up the pen. I questioned what was wrong with me, why I wasn't getting affirmation, why life was so terrible and cruel. See, the flip-side to being able to read people is being wrong about them. And it happens enough to shake your confidence. Without expectations, there's nothing to throw you off your game.

Because there is no game.

Your not playing with another person. Instead, you're just standing with them alone in a field tossing the ball around and chatting about how nice the sunset looks. And it's pretty much impossible to be disappointed by a sunset.

It's also much easier to wait for someone to show you what to expect from them than to place the burden on them with a handshake.