The Chemical and Physical

I've decided to make a list of my addictions.

I'm sure it must be a healthy thing to do, to point out the things in life that I cannot do without, that I feel empty without. I'm not sure what the common consensus is, but I would define an addiction as a dependence (chemical, emotional or otherwise) on an exterior force. With that in mind, here is a short list (I'm sure I'll be thinking more and adding later) with the hope that you, too, will create a similar set of bullet-points. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, after all.

1) People. The rush of endorphins I get by being around the right people is astonishing. I noticed this last night when I stayed out far later than a responsible human would simply because of the people I was with. I've also been known to stay awake indefinitely as long as I have someone to talk to. I am very rarely the person to end a conversation. I'm coming to see this as an apparent weakness, especially with the opposite sex. I've always admired the guy or girl who can have an engaging conversation and then express a cool need (with appropriate reason) to end the conversation. In the rules of attraction, as in most things in life, you should always leave someone wanting more. I feel I lack that ability. I would rather go without sleep or food than end a great conversation.

2) Writing. I've tried to not write. There have been periods in my life that I've cut it out for other things, but inevitably I keep coming back to it. It clears my demons. As a result, I've written some beautifully tragic, sometimes off-putting, things ranging in topics from the familiar to the graphic. I have an odd mix of standardized humor and gallows humor that keeps me entertaining at Thanksgiving dinner with the family and appropriately shocking around friends alike. I feel physically ill, though, without writing. When I haven't in a couple days, I can feel it. I get lethargic, cross, cynical.

3) Love. I'm an idiot. As such, my stupidity usually manifests itself in the opposite gender. I seem to have no grey period on infatuation. I dive in head over heels first into the deep end of a person and refuse to surface despite the warnings of drowning from the life guard. This ties into an addiction with people, but it's more localized. It's focused. And it's even stronger. In taking stock of my stupidity - I've moved cross-country for a girl, pick up on small nuances and play them out, spent countless amounts of money in an effort to make a relationship more romantic, read the most out of the least, failed to eat, to sleep, renounced responsibilities in order to spend more time with a girl, ad nauseum.

4) My status as an outsider. Even more than being right, I relish this status. I enjoy being the black sheep. I like being unique. My biggest fear in life is to be labeled average. To be considered just one of the norm, to be easily categorized even. To be told what you are is the worst thing that can happen to you. To have someone figure you out. Most of the people I'm drawn to, I can't figure out 100%. I'm a solid judge of the internal workings of people, but the people (like you on this list) that I like the most are somehow beyond definition. I crave disagreeing with people (usually in a calm way) to figure out where they are coming from. I've been labeled a contrarian, and I'm alright with that. That's why I also like shock value, jolting people's systems, jarring the way they normally think. Making them question how someone can think differently than they do. This is the only reason, so far, that I can come up that explains my love for hanging around Christians other than that the right types are usually incredible, dynamic, lovable people.

This list will continue to grow. I'm not sure if addiction in any sense is healthy, but we all have them.

When you get a craving for a certain type of food - say, potato chips - it's because you're body is telling you that you need something in that food - say, salt. Your body is smart. It knows what it needs. On top of our usually nourishment, we feed ourselves chemicals - our brain puts out amazing chemicals when its programmed to - when we write, spend time with people, spend time or think about someone we have romantic feelings for, or experience something that bolsters our ego. These chemicals - dangerous or not - are with us.

I'm swimming in them.